So often, I hear my married clients complain that life is too busy. They bought a home, have a family and have to work really hard to build their careers and take care of home and kids.
They don’t have the time for each other that they had while dating. While I fully understand the demands of modern life, not making your relationship a priority can have devastating repercussions later.
If you’re both busy, you may not have a lot of time but you can schedule quality time to reconnect. If you’re not doing this currently, ask yourself if you’re prepared to lose your marriage because you’re too busy. We often take the most important thing for granted because we assume the other person is happy and fulfilled. We assume that the other person understands.
Dating, even once a week, keeps the spark alive and keeps you connected to each other on a deeper level.
You fell in love with your partner because there was something about them that you loved and desired and you liked the way you felt in their presence.
When we’re too busy and the communication begins to break down, we can be abrupt, complain or become demanding.
When one partner does not like the way they feel about themselves in the other’s presence, they fall out of love. This is the vulnerable point when a new person, who acknowledges them, makes them feel special and desirable can become very attractive.
Affairs don’t happen because your partner wants to deliberately hurt you, they happen because they lose the sense of aliveness with their current partner.
Dating can keep the sense of aliveness that you had right in the beginning. While we cannot control our partners’ behaviour, we can definitely influence it. The best way to influence your partner’s behavior is by becoming the best version of yourself.
Desire is greatest when we feel a bit uncertain. Our partner does not belong to us. They have their own life, their own personality, their own goals and dreams and when you shine in your own life, it’s highly attractive to your partner.
Dating, without the interruption of work, phones and kids, allows you to remember why you love each other. When you plan a date beforehand, you have a sense of anticipation. You get through the daily grind, knowing that there’s something wonderful to look forward to at the end of the week. I suggest to my clients that you take turns to plan the dates.
When you take the time to find out what really makes your partner happy and plan the dates around that, they feel loved, acknowledged and understood.
Use the time to check in with each other. Are they on track with their career? Is there something that they’re stressed out about? Is there something that they’re really excited about? Is there something new that they’re learning that they are passionate about? Do they need your support in some area or can you be the sounding board to a new idea? Use the time to see your partner as an individual and not just your husband/ wife.
Flirt with each other. For women, romance is critical and for men, sex is critical. How can you both get your needs met? Vary the dates so it’s not always dinner or a movie. Can you find ways to keep the passion alive? Do you still take care of your personal appearance? Going on a date gives you the chance to dress up. You reignite the attraction. Do you feel proud of each other?
Most couples with kids feel that they cannot leave the kids behind. My question to you would be, what example do you want to set for your kids? Is marriage all about sacrifice, with no time for self-care or fun?
If you take a few hours each week for yourselves, you are showing them that their parents love each other, that they can be okay for a while with a babysitter or grandma.
You come back feeling happier and more relaxed. When they become adults, they will follow your example and take care of their own happiness as well as the happiness of their family. There is a balance between self-care and family. Both are crucial.
Love always wins. You chose to marry your partner because of the whole package. The way they look, what they believe, their personality, the way they show up in the various areas of life and the way you feel in their presence.
While we may find other people attractive, we will rarely stray if we keep the flame of love and romance between us, burning bright. So, ready to start dating your spouse again? Surprise them!
Kasturi Naidoo is a life coach, matchmaker and founder of Quantum Tribe (a community of people living consciously). She can be contacted via email at [email protected]
