Dating can be fun – so why do we sometimes want to rush into a relationship? Dating is the discovery phase. You may meet for coffee or lunch, then progress to movies and dinner, walks, drives, concerts, dancing or whatever else you’re both interested in.
You may be dating more than one person during this phase. It’s also just the two of you, so you don’t actually introduce each other to family or friends. During this phase, you’re both simply having fun, getting to know each other.
When you reach a point when you feel that you like each other enough and there’s potential for something more serious, you may decide to date each other exclusively. Have the conversation instead of assuming the other person wants the same thing. Open communication prevents heartache later.
Have the ‘what are we conversation’. You can keep it light so it’s not too awkward.
‘Hey, can I ask you an awkward question. I was chatting with my friends and they asked if you’re my boyfriend/ girlfriend. I wasn’t sure what to say as we haven’t had that conversation yet. What should I say next time it comes up?’
This way if the other person feels you’re just friends, you have the option to walk away if you want a serious relationship. Don’t stay in the hope that they will change their mind. Rather find the person who also wants a serious relationship. If they like the idea of being your girlfriend/ boyfriend, now you both have clarity.
During this phase of dating exclusively, you’re still dating and having fun but you also have a few deeper conversations. Be free to talk about what you want for your future in terms of relationship, children, career, your hopes and dreams.
Listen intently to what the other person wants for their future. Can you see if there’s a way for you both to have what you desire? If the differences are too great, for example one wants marriage and the other wants to simply live together or one wants to live in their hometown and the other wants to move abroad; it’s best to move on.
When we ignore the red flags, like wanting vastly different things or if someone is disrespectful to you, you are not honouring yourself enough. You may have the feeling that if you don’t get this person to commit, you will be alone for the rest of your life.
Trying to change someone into what you want them to be, never ends well. Trying to change yourself or give up your dreams to be with someone, also ends with a lot of resentment later.
Rather take this time to see what is actually in front of you, instead of the fantasy of what this could be.
When dating exclusively, you may also introduce each other to family and friends. You are seeing each other a few times a week and chatting daily. It’s important to see if this contact is consistent. Again, be observant.
Give a little and see if the other person reciprocates. Almost like a tennis match. Is there a balance between giving and receiving? If one person is giving too much they will eventually feel depleted. You are looking at creating a partnership with this person.
In the beginning, it is easy to focus on the other person only; but it is crucial to focus on yourself too. Are your needs being met? Are you heard, acknowledged and appreciated? Are you being treated with kindness and respect?
Instead of expectations of a specific outcome, can you focus on whether the two of you have chemistry, communicate on a similar level; understand each other, respect and admire each other?
Is there by now an emotional connection? If you’re starting to see that you have your ‘non-negotiables’ in common, it’s a good sign that you will have a solid foundation later.
There are two types of differences. One that doesn’t affect the other, for example one likes watching soccer and the other likes reading.
The other type of differences is where it affects the other and you will need to negotiate. This is the challenging part in every relationship that’s there for your growth. Can you accept the differences between you, without wanting to have your way all of the time? Otherwise, if you agree on everything, you’d be bored after a month.
Only at this stage are you ready to move from dating to relationship. Now you start making decisions together and plan your future together. This is the commitment phase where you build a life together.
Dating is meant to be fun so enjoy every moment.
Kas Naidoo is a life coach, relationship coach, speaker and matchmaker. She can be reached via email at [email protected]
