When we feel heartbroken, it feels like our world as we knew it, has ended. Life loses its colour and spark. We begin to question why this has happened to us. We question the point of continuing to work or love or take another step.
We question our very existence. Whether it is a partner, a parent or a child that leaves you heartbroken, you can make the choice to heal.
When we enter a relationship, it is always with hope and a vision of a bright happy life filled with love, companionship and belonging. Falling in love releases those ‘feel good’ hormones that draw us closer to this one special person.
We see what we want to see and not always the whole picture. None of us are perfect. We are all here to learn, grow and become better versions of ourselves, so why do we then put so much focus on the ‘perfect’ partner.
When we first notice the cracks in the relationship, the disappointment starts because we still held on to the expectation of a fairy tale romance and life.
When the disappointment escalates and the arguments ensue, we start feeling the first signs of panic and anxiety. When we reach a point of so much hurt and devastation that there is no turning back, we end the relationship and that’s when we feel completely heartbroken. The meaning that we gave to our life, is no longer relevant.
We feel lost, alone and devastated by what we feel is a failure. However, it is not our heart that breaks, but our expectations.
Sometimes, the heartbreak is not caused by a partner but perhaps a narcissistic parent that insulted, ridiculed, controlled and manipulated you into believing that you are not worthy of love, success, happiness or even being visible in this world.
That kind of abuse often goes unnoticed, because the perpetrators have a way of doing these things when no one else is present. If you brought it up, they would have you believe that you are over-reacting or imagining.
This feels like the ultimate violation because we have the belief that parents should unconditionally love their children. In the case of a narcissist, they are simply incapable of love.
It does not mean that you are unlovable. As adults, we carry this false programming and don’t function at our fullest potential. We attract relationships where we are further abused. We look for love and acceptance with people that cannot possibly provide it.
As painful as these experiences are, there is hope for freedom from a broken heart. The first step is always to acknowledge the truth. Then make a firm decision that you will do whatever it takes to heal. It takes great courage to tell your story.
You have to be really vulnerable to do this. I must caution however, that you choose who you want to share your experience with.
Make sure it is someone you trust completely who will not betray your confidence and trust. Also make sure that the person you are asking to help and support you through your healing journey, has the right experience to empower you and not make you reliant on them to provide a solution.
The healing journey is your path back to yourself. If we look at it like that we move away from being the victim of our circumstances to the creator of our new reality. We take back our power and step into our wholeness.
When we ask for support and take responsibility for our own healing; we can accelerate the process by being kind to ourselves.
Acknowledge the hurt and for a while be willing to sit with it. Look at the impact that the experience has made in your life and make a firm decision to learn and grow from this experience. The more we tell the same story of how badly someone treated you, the more ammunition you give them to hurt you even if they are not present in your life anymore.
Take the lesson, let go of the story and the pain and build yourself up. Know that the core of who you really are is someone worthy of love, respect and complete acceptance.
Be kind, loving and respectful to yourself. Ask yourself the deeper questions. Who are you, untethered to the person who caused you such heartbreak? What do you stand for? What do you like? What do you dislike?
What character traits do you want to embody? What dreams do you have for yourself? What difference would you like to make in this world?
Take time out to discover who you are. so that you can fall in love with yourself and your life. Live consciously; fully present in this moment. See people as they are and not what you want them to be. In the words of Les Brown: ‘Live full, die empty’.
Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via [email protected]
