Dating after 40: The Dilemma, the Courage, the Fun

Dating after 40 can be really daunting, especially if you’ve come out of a long term relationship and haven’t been a part of the dating scene for a while.

All the advice online about the latest app or the latest trick to ‘get the man’ or ‘get the woman’ seem rather far-fetched when you have no clue what is expected in the modern dating world. Do people still want to go on a traditional date or is it about texting and hook-ups?

The dilemma is about whether you actually want to let someone into your life again. We deliberate about the type of relationship we want.

Do we want something that will lead to marriage or do we want him/ her living in his/ her own space and you in yours? Do we want to just date a few people to go to movies, walks, drives, holidays and social events or do we want a committed, monogamous relationship with one special person?

This dilemma exists because people today are far more self- sufficient than ever before. Women today have their own income, are quite independent and can even change a lightbulb or paint a room when needed.

Men today are quite capable of cooking a great meal and even doing their own laundry. So the traditional roles that we needed the spouse for, are no longer the driving force to get into a relationship.

Getting into a new relationship after the last one didn’t quite go the way you envisioned on your wedding day, takes courage.

With life experience on our side, we tend to go forward expecting disappointment because we now have proof that the other sex cannot be trusted to be who we want them to be. This is when we have to start observing ourselves. Life happens. People lie or cheat. Expectations are broken. People fall out of love.

How we choose to view life after this happens is entirely up to us. We can let it limit us and scare us silly so we live in fear of getting hurt again or we can take responsibility for creating our next relationship more consciously.

Become an expert on you. Are you waiting for someone to make you happy, to fulfil you or to make you feel secure? Can you take the time to find out what makes you happy, fulfilled or secure and then give yourself those things. This is our journey to becoming whole.

It’s not always an easy journey, but as you progress it becomes more and more exhilarating. The best time to get into a new relationship is when you don’t ‘need’ to but instead would love to share your life with someone who also is in a good place in their lives.

Some important factors to take into account are:

Too many people say, ‘I’ll know it when I meet the right person’. When you take the time to really decide the kind of relationship you want to create; you will be able to identify it when you see it, but the clarity must come first.

At this point you do not want to ‘fix’ someone; so look at who is in front of you rather than their potential. It’s easy to be taken in by someone’s ideas of what they want to do in the future; but the current reality is evidence.

What are your deal breakers? Is it addiction, lying, cheating, disrespect or debt? Again, when you know what your deal breakers are up front, you can identify it when you see it.

Are you showing up? If you want to meet someone new, you at least have to be willing to get into the arena. They are not going to find you on your couch. So are you getting out enough? Are you accepting invitations? Are you doing the things you love to do in places where you can actually meet new people?

Consider that you may be wrong about your ‘type’. Especially if it hasn’t worked for you in the past. When you learn and grow as a person, the type of person you are looking for may also change.

Most of all, honour yourself. When you do the work on yourself and genuinely get to know yourself, you will not settle for anyone less than the one who will honour, respect and love you right back.

Have fun along the way. Don’t get serious too quickly. Take your time to get to know someone before you make a commitment to get into a relationship. After falling in love comes being in love, which is ultimately what we want and deserve.

Kas Naidoo is a transformational coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via email at [email protected]