Is fear keeping you from great love?

“I want a relationship with my soulmate, but I’m terrified of getting hurt again.” As a matchmaker, I’ve heard hundreds of people say this to me and as a coach, I’ve intuitively picked this up from hundreds more, who are feeling this, but not voicing their fears. Is fear keeping you from the greatest love you may ever know?

As human beings, we crave connection. We want love and acknowledgement. We want to be seen. We want to know deep down, that we matter. So if we’ve been hurt before – and most of us know the heartache of love lost – we are so afraid of feeling that pain again that we either keep love away or we sabotage a possible relationship just when it’s starting to get serious.

If fear of the unknown is preventing you from walking through a doorway that’s now opening for you, it may be time to look within and address the fear.

Is the fear there due to imagined future pain or loss? What if I put myself out there, and he or she leaves or rejects me? What if the person uses me or lies to me or cheats on me? I thought the last person was ‘the one’ and they hurt me. The pain was unbelievable. I never want to feel that way again.

Could the fear be due to low self-esteem? Perhaps you are not confident enough to meet new people or you don’t believe you deserve a deeply loving, happy relationship. Could it be because you don’t love yourself enough?

If you genuinely want a relationship with your soulmate, you have to do the inner work first. Take a long look at your past relationships.

How did you show up in those relationships? What is your communication style? What did you do in times of conflict? Why did the relationship end? Most importantly, focus on the lessons you learned from that relationship.

Take the time to work on yourself. The people, who attend my Creating Conscious Relationships workshop, have huge realisations about themselves and understand why their past relationships failed. They then reinvent themselves so that they don’t show up in the next relationship in the same way they did in the past. Self-empowerment is the number one way to release the fear.

Make a conscious decision to wipe the slate clean. Your past does not equal your future if you have greater self-knowledge and you are equipped with skills to communicate on a deeper level. This inner shift will give you the confidence to be more open and receptive to a new partner.

There is always the possibility that you will get hurt again. However, if you are stronger on the inside, you will survive, learn and get better and better at reading people and choosing the ones that resonate with the relationship you wish to create.

Just as there’s the possibility of getting hurt, there is also the possibility that this could be the greatest love you’ve ever known. It’s possible that the love you have to give, will be reflected back to you from this new partner. It’s possible that you can both be happy on a journey where you love and grow together.

It’s possible that, together, you will create an amazing life that is satisfying and fulfilling.

If this speaks to you, then perhaps it is time, after you’ve wiped the slate clean, to start painting a picture of the relationship you would love to create. Focus on the possibility of great love instead of the fear of pain and loss.

The universal law states that whatever you focus on, expands. Knowing that, it means that focusing on everything that can go wrong; simply creates more of that.

Focusing on what can go right, creates more of that. The choice of where we put our attention, is entirely up to us. After all, no one can control your thoughts, but you.

So now that you’ve understood the fear, wiped the slate clean and focused on the possibility of a great love, what comes next? This is when you have to step into the arena. Tell your friends you’re ready to start dating. Update your social media.

Attend single’s events. Look up and smile at people you pass in the shopping mall. Let your body language show that you believe that the right person is right around the corner and you are receptive to meeting this person.

Don’t jump into a relationship with the first person you meet. Play the dating game, have fun and simply meet a few people until you meet the one that you know with certainty is the one you want to create a life with.

When you slow down the process and have fun along the way, you will recognise the right person for you. You deserve a great love. Go find it!

Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via [email protected]